What Makes a Good Relationship?

The simplicity of this question belies it's complex nature. I imagine I would be hard pressed to find two people in a relationship who would answer this question in exactly same way. There's a great deal of room to interpret the intrinsic qualities in a good relationship, and certainly people are motivated by different things based on their age, culture, ethnicity, gender identity, political leanings, religious beliefs, and so many other variables.

All of that said, I think there are some universal qualities that are common in strong, healthy adult love relationships.

Trust

It is an amazing thing to find someone who “has your back”. Someone with whom you can share your sordid past, your deepest darkest secrets, your fears, your aspirations and more – without having to worry that this precious and private information will in some way be used against you or shared with others. Being able to rely on someone for support – whether it is emotional, financial, spiritual, or any other kind – is tremendously reassuring, especially when we are at our most vulnerable. Just as pack animals rely on one another to live in comfort and security, so do humans.

Respect

To me respect can be a reflection of admiration, friendship, confidence in someone's abilities and characteristics, as well as an acknowledgment of their position and influence over you. It is said that respect must be earned, but in many ethnic groups respecting one's elders, or a wife respecting her husband, are 'given' and culturally-bound. To go against the wishes of your parents or husband would be considered disgraceful and a betrayal of your fidelity.

Shared Values

Having a common set of values can be crucial to a successful relationship. This goes well beyond casual interests and hobbies but down to the more deeply held beliefs and principles which have had a powerful and lasting effect on our identities. While opposites certainly do attract, I've seen in my own personal experience how challenging it can be to maintain a long lasting, thriving relationship when fundamental differences have existed between me and a partner or close friend. Whether it has to do with religious beliefs, the importance placed on racial and gender equality, political philosophies, or some other defining factor – it is pretty hard to overcome value differences without a lot of the other key characteristics (namely trust, respect, friendship) and an ability to “live and let die”.

Friendship

An adult love relationship is simply less meaningful and enjoyable without friendship at its core. Without this ingredient, the relationship would resemble a marriage of convenience, of families coming together in a transaction, alliance, or contract – and not a marriage based on common interests and goals, and a genuine good feeling for the other person. This is not to say that a 'successful' marriage has to be based on friendship. A generation ago I don't know that friendship would have necessarily been a prerequisite of marriage, certainly not in some very traditional cultures. But in my view, and apparently according to Gottman's research, friendship is a pretty important factor in helping to predict longterm happy relationships.